Can there be such a thing? We all know that individuals who are baptized into TJC would be carefully examined; there would be meetings to consider the condition of the truth seeker before proceeding to baptize a truth seeker. But I really thank God that within a short period of time, He was able to let me receive water baptism in the open sea for the remission of my sins.
Today I will share with you why I decided to be baptized within such a short span of time. This is a very lengthy lifelong testimony that can be broken to several parts. The first part happened when I was at the age of 18. I am now 35 and I baptized when I was 30. However, I must say that my experience in believing God started at the age of 18. The second part is from age 18 to 23, the five years I spent in attending another church besides True Jesus Church. The third segment is from age 23 to 30 where I study abroad in France for seven years and later returning to Taiwan at age 30. Shortly after returning to Taiwan I received baptism at True Jesus Church. I grew up in a family with no belief in any religion. Though my family is Taiwanese, we do not practice the traditions in Taiwan. We do not worship idols nor worship ancestors. This is the setting in which I grew up.
However, I am more mature than those at my age. At the age of 18, I thought about the meaning of life. A kid who is trying to understand the meaning of life will come to no conclusion. Because of this, I started to feel that life is very empty. Though I was having no difficulty in school nor have any conflicts with classmates, the deep emptiness about life made me sick. I started getting sick at age 12 which nowadays we consider the sickness as adolescent depression.
The origin of my adolescent depression was caused by this emptiness I felt about life. My adolescent depression did not affect my academic studies; I actually did very well in school. At age 16, I got into a top school in Taiwan. However, the more successful I was in my academics the greater emptiness I felt. My adolescent depression got so serious to the point that I started to isolate myself and refused to have contact with everyone. I had no friends and disregarded my teachers. The teachers had nothing to say about my condition since I did well in my academics.They saw me as a good student that just refuses to speak. The teachers do not know what they could do.
It was because of the emptiness I felt in life, that at the age of 16 I made up my mind to learn art and become a painter. Why would I have this determination? For a child, in such a condition, I found that art made my life a bit more meaningful and made me feel less hopeless and emptiness.Because of this reason I started to paint.
From age 16 to 18 I would attend school during the day and attend evening art classes at the studios. This was the three years of my life in high school. My daily routine is to take the bus after school to the Taipei train station then cross the bridge to learn art at the studio. At age 18, about two three months before I took the college examination, I proceeded with my normal routine with my mind set to learn art.
Yet, after I step off the bus off the bus I felt an energy came down to me wanting me to go to a certain place. Honestly, during that period I did not care about Christianity. Perhaps some may remember that 15 to 20 years ago near the Taipei Train Station there were often people preaching. Some held white banners with the message that Jesus loves you. These people were very diligent in passing out pamphlets.
During that time when I see the action of these people, my heart could completely care less. My thoughts were more of who is this Jesus, what love is there, what is this all about, and why would He love me. I found it so disgusting. If there was no energy at that point in time wanting me to go somewhere, I entered into Christian bookstore. I don’t think I would’ve ever made any connections to the Christian faith. Yet that day, I unknowingly stepped into a Christian bookstore.
I walked in front of a row of bookshelf. After I stood still it was as if a person lifted up my right and picked out a book that is slightly above the height of my head. I opened the book and in that instant. My tears bursted out of my eyes. I felt someone holding me and flew up. We flew higher and higher and stopped in the middle of space. I saw the universe and was completely alarmed. There are body of stars far and near me. At this moment, I faced the left and saw earth. A beautiful earth with blue ocean, land, and white clouds. That spectacular scenery is indescribable.
At this time, the figure hugging me spoke four phrases to me. He said, “Do not cry. Do not be afraid. Continue to walk your path. I love you.” I cried even more upon hearing this. Suddenly, He lightly patted my back as if to comfort me. After He comforted me, my heart was full and satisfied so I stopped crying. When I stopped crying, He brought me back to the ground, back to the bookstore. I wiped my tears and closed the book in my hand. It was then that I realized I was holding a Bible. When I saw the Bible, I felt so ashamed. My heart thought, the person who held me earlier is that possibly the person in the Bible that is God?
Before my heart could have cared less for this God; yet He told, “He love me.” My life transformed for the first time from this incident. When I left this bookstore, I was immediately healed of my adolescent depression. I started to voluntarily speak to others. My interpersonal relationships got better and I became a normal girl. This is the first part of knowing God when He told me that He loved me. It is at that point that my perspective changed dramatically, I became a person with faith. I believed that in there is a God who created the universe. He is the only true God. He is love and all His words are recorded in this Bible.
Holding dearly to these thoughts, I started to seek after my God from age 18 to 23. I walked in and out of many churches. As long as there is someone who told me about things like Lord’s day of worship or some famous preacher, evangelical seminars, or bible studies, morning prayers or fellowships, I would go. With great effort, I studied the Bible diligently. In fact, I recalled that I even spent half a year inside a church. I would attend the morning prayers at 8:30am and stay at church from morning till 10:00pm.
Despite the many sermons I hear from the preacher and the exposure I had to churches, I felt that the God they preach is unlike the God I know. Why is it different? This question got bigger and bigger. When did this thought start to occur? It started with the matter of Sabbath Day. I remember my efforts in studying the Bible about a year to two years. That period I enjoyed listening to this celebrity pastor. Every time he preached, there are thousands in the audience. His preaching is full of strength and eloquence. Why did I enjoy listening to his sermons? That is because one time he said “Since we believe in Jesus Christ, we must believe in the whole Bible. We cannot choose what we want to believe and what is convenient. We must completely believe in the Bible.”
I thought what this preacher said makes perfect sense. So every time he speaks, I would rush on over to listen. Then one day, I could not understand his sermon. He started talking about Moses’ Ten Commandments. He went through the first commandment, the second commandment, the third commandment, slowly explaining each one. Reaching to the fourth commandment, he skipped and continued to the fifth commandment and the commandments following till he finished with the tenth commandment. This was about the second year of my faith and I heard about Sabbath Day for the first time. I was so confused about what I heard.
Sabbath day. What is the Sabbath Day? Why is it that no one mentioned about the Sabbath day to me? What does it mean to observe the Sabbath? After that sermon, I took my Bible and approached this minister and asked him what is the Sabbath day. What day is it and how am I to observe the Sabbath? He told me that nowadays we observe the Lord’s Day.
After that I was very dissatisfied, I took the Bible and kept asking other brothers and sisters. They too explained to me that nowadays we just observe the Lord’s day. Now this was a big problem, I started to flip through the New Testament from beginning to end, I could not find the words of keeping the Lord’s Day. I looked all over the place and could not find where the Bible mention about changing the observance of Sabbath Day to the Lord’s Day. My unanswered question was such a big one. However, this thought did not stop me from pursuing my faith as I continued to pursue.
Then following is the question about the Holy Spirit. Some pastors would say that we receive the Holy Spirit at the time when we believe in God. Other pastors would say that you receive the Holy Spirit after you get baptized. Then I thought to myself how could it be that there are two different answers? Which is correct? Then I considered the case of members who received the Holy Spirit after baptism, I approached the members who are baptized and asked them what is this issue with receiving the Holy Spirit. They told me that when they believe in God, they think God abides in them, the Holy Spirit abides in them. Yet, my thinking is that your thinking is so subjective. I could not understand what they mean by Holy Spirit abiding in them and what’s that feeling. Is it a happy feeling? Is it a peaceful feeling? Is it a joyful feeling? What kind of feeling is it? Why is it so vague?
At the same time, I saw in Acts 19 when Paul was in Ephesus, he asked the disciples “Did you receive the Holy Spirit when you believed?” When I saw this passage, I thought that what these members tell me does not add up to what is written in the Bible. If what they said makes sense, then Paul would not have needed to ask the disciple that question “Did you receive the Holy Spirit when you believed?” Because if you received the Holy Spirit when you believe or even if you are to receive the Holy Spirit after baptism then there is no need for Paul to ask them this question. It is an extra question. This is another question that weighed down my heart.
At the age of 23, I decided to withdraw from all churches due to baptism. Because I attended so many churches in so many years, a diligent truth seeker studying God’s words, but I refused to get baptized. Oftentimes there are brothers and sisters telling me that you should baptize into the Lord after all these years. I would in turn ask them why they got baptized. What made me very sad is that when I ask 10 people there are 10 answers. When I ask 20 people there are 20 answers. Everyone’s reasons and answers are different. When I heard multiple answers, my heart is pained. I really felt that your God is very different from my God. My God is poisoned by you. Why would I have such a painful thought? The God I believed in is the one true God. He is a real existence that cannot be changed by human thoughts or feelings. We are the ones who need to submit to God’s truth and not by our own choice nor by our own creation.
I could not accept that there can be thousands of reason to get baptized. No one was able to give me a clear answer as to why I need to get baptized. How is my faith being unbaptized any different than those who are baptized? In such time of suffering, I made a decision. The God they worship is not my God. My God is not in those churches I attend so I will no longer go to any church. This was when I graduated from college. After I graduate, I went immediately to France to further my studies. This is from age 23 to 30.
When I first arrived in France, I continued with my daily cultivation in praying and reading the Bible. When a year passed, I gradually read less of the Bible and stopped praying. In the end, I rarely thought about God. What follow was that the Bible was then placed on the top of my bookshelf where I would no longer flip through the Bible. I started to notice that my behavior is not very normal. I started to have depression. I was very unhappy and would find many excuses for myself. I’d think that this is temporary and I will get better very soon. Who would’ve known that my depression worsened. The fourth year when I was in France, I had severe depression. In a three month period, I locked myself in the room being very scared.
If someone asked me why I was so scared, I could not explain to them why I was scared. There was no reason for me to be scared. Fear is not a reality, but I was just scared. When one does not know the object/source of fear then that kind of fear is most fearful. When we understand the cause of fear we can remove the fear and no longer be afraid, but when I do not even know why I am scared then there is no cure. This is a deep terror. I don’t believe in anyone and I don’t believe in myself. So I started to unplug all the phones. I cut off all my relationships and contacts with people. I stopped attending classes. I could not watch TV nor read the newspaper because my focus is scattered. My mentality is all mixed up in a realm of terror that is on the edge of fear with no peace. Every night I am sleepless. There is no taste in my food. There is no sensation when I eat. I can feel hunger, but when I eat I have no sensation.
I feel that for people, a person healthy who can tell whether this food is tasty or not is a God’s great grace. It is not because we know how to discern and appreciate certain matters. It is God’s blessing that we can savor cuisines. During that time, when I ate I could not sense anything. It was to only fill my stomach. There was this feeling to have something pass through the throat just because there is a need for it. There is this scared feeling when I kneel inside a room. I was afraid to see light.
Whenever I see light it was as if a sword would pierce into me. Therefore, I closed all my curtains. I do not go out during the day and at night I would go out to buy some bread to eat. This is how I lived for three months. In that type of circumstance, what can one person do? I recalled that at the age of 18 I met this God who told me that He loved me very much. I knelt down and begged Him. I cried bitterly to Him. I asked Him why I am so pitiful and that He must take pity on me and save me. You once used four phrases to comfort me. Then I told Him that right now I just need one phrase. I said if you speak one phrase to me.
I prayed like this for about a month. Every day I begged God in the prayer to use one phrase to comfort me. Then one night I fell asleep in my prayer and slept till morning. This is very rare since I often would have difficulty in getting deep sleeps. Oftentimes, I would wake up and walk around past midnight since there’s not much I can do lying in bed not being able to sleep. Yet, this time I slept through till morning around 9. The moment I woke up that morning I had a desire to see sunlight. I walked to the curtains and pulled open the curtains. The moment I opened the curtains and the ray of light shined into the room. At this moment, I again heard God speaking to me. He said, “Continue to walk your path. I love you.”
This year I was age 27. The first time I heard God speaking to me is at age 18. The second time at age 27. The second time when I heard the voice of God, it was like the first time. I felt so shameful because all these years God never left me. It was I who forgot about Him. God was like what was recorded in the Bible. His love is never changing. It was I who changed. It was I who forgot Him. In that moment, I felt sorry to Him. This experience alone revitalized my faith. The faith I want to have is to believe in this God. But despite this occurrence I did not seek to attend any random church. That is because I’ve been to these other churches. I confirm with myself that I do not need to waste my time in attending these churches. I made a determination to read the bible thoroughly one time. I held on to the hope that after I read the Bible completely I can know where to go to find my God.
What follows was that I spent two years reading the Bible. It is because God again told me that He loved me, I returned to school and continued with my academics. My depression did not go away, but I had just enough strength to complete my academics. In June of 1990, at age 29 I graduated. A few months after I graduated, I graduated in June and in October and November, in this two consecutive months I received two grand art awards. Do you know when I left the country at age 23, what kind of ambitious heart I held in going to France? Originally, I was a very prideful person. At age 23, I believe that there was no accomplishment really to become a famous artist in Taiwan.
However, it is a real accomplishment to become a successful artist in France. This was the ambitious attitude I had in going to France. I managed to stay there for 7 years although I got sick. Why did I remain to the end? I imagined that one day when I become successful, I would be happy. This is what I thought to myself, but who would’ve known that the moment when I went on stage to receive the award. I had no hint of happiness in me. All I wanted was to cry and I wanted to tell the many reporters busy taking photos of me is to not take any more pictures for all I want is to have a good night rest that is all I want.
Right after a month of receiving this award, I received a second recognition. It’s unbelievable that when I received my second award, I had the same feeling in my heart. I do not need you to take pictures of me, but that I want is to sleep well at night. It wasn’t until that time when I admit to myself that I am not a normal person, but a sick person. I realize the point of weakness I reached. Actually I walked the wrong path. I spent six years pursuing for something that did not make me happy.
Yet, who would’ve known that things started to smooth out after I receive the two awards. I started to have sponsors supporting me. They recommend me all over to art collectors. There are art collectors that come to my studio on a monthly basis to purchase my art. But every month when the art collector came to my studio to choose the artwork, you know for an artist the strongest desire is to experience this moment where an art collector walks in to choose your artwork. At age 29, when the art collector came in to choose my artwork, oftentimes each trip would consist of 3 to 4 pieces of my artwork being purchased.
Yet, I gradually noticed that the emptiness in my heart increased all the more and I was even unhappy. I even felt like to cry when they carry my artwork out the door. I thought that when art goes out the money comes in. I look at the money, but why is it that this money is not making me happy. But I did not how to resolve. I observe how my mentality kept deteriorating. After a year, in 1991 around April I noticed that I drew close to becoming a crazy person. I can scream and yell loudly anytime. Every day before I walked out the door, there is this great fear in me. I would feel that today is my last day and I do not think I can make it to tomorrow. I felt that I can turn crazy on the street any day.
Afterwards I realize that I could not even face my canvas to paint. I sat in front of the canvas for a whole day not knowing what to do. At that moment, I knelt down to pray and repent to God. How I prayed was that I told God, “God, I repent to You. I thought that there was nothing I cannot do. I admit to you that I am not as valuable as the pinky on your hand. I am nothing compare to dirt. What kind of person am I when can no longer control my eyes and mouth? I admit to God that I am of no value.” I asked God to bring me before Him, just as what happened at age 18 where He guided me to open the Bible. I sought for you before, but I do not know where you are. In reality under that circumstance, I do not have the ability or energy to seek after God. I was on the edge of destruction so I only begged God to bring me to where I can find Him.
Not too long after I prayed, it is amazing that God brought me back to Taiwan. This is too great of a miracle. That time of me, my life plans was to reside in France. This is because I graduated from the best school in France. Also I received two grand awards and I paid so many years of tax in France so without a second thought I thought I would receive my French citizenship and reside permanently in France. I left Taiwan for so long and I have no longer felt a connections with Taiwan. There is no reason for me to return to Taiwan. During this period, I was in the process of applying for my French citizenship.
Yet, after I prayed, God completely made a 180 degree change to my life. All the details and events pointed for me to come back to Taiwan. After I prayed for a month and a half I ended up returning to Taiwan to live permanently and not just for a visit. I packed everything in storage and flew to Taiwan. In 1991 August 21, I came back to Taiwan. Actually when I returned to Taiwan my heart was suffering. It is that I let go the six years of effort I spent in France and returned to Taiwan to start from scratch. In my heart, I thought that since God brought me back to Taiwan, He will certainly bring me to His church. All I have to do is to wait at home.
During this time, a month after I returned to Taiwan, I received a call from sister Hwang in Song San church. She is the wife of my landlord in France. At that time, when I was in France she lived in Taiwan. Our relationship was this, when I signed the rent agreement it was through the sister Hwang’s father. I did not have many opportunities to connect with Sister Hwang, but mostly connected with her father in law. But who would’ve known that after I came back to Taiwan, my previous landlord’s wife would call me. She told me, “Hsu Guo Yu, I tell you to come to my church on October 8th.Write down this church address."
I was so surprised when I received this news. According to the time she told me and the address she provided, I came to True Jesus Church in Song San. When I walked in, it was so wonderful that in my spirit I felt as if I came home. In my spirit, I felt that the God I met at age 18 is in this church. This is a strong confirmation even without hearing anything from other people.
What follows was that I saw everyone prayed in tongue. At that time I had severe depression; people who see me dare not to approach me. I am very hard to approach. A person with depression you know has a very depressing, heavy, dark face. No one dare to explain to me what is praying in tongue, yet when I saw how everyone knelt down and started speaking in tongue. I surveyed my surrounding and I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in the chapel and I was touched. I thought this is how prayer should be. So on October 10th that night, I went to Song San church on my own.
Based on what I was told after, members dare not to invite me again since I had a stinky face so I went back on my own. It happened to be beginning of the Fall Spiritual Convocation. After service, I went to the front of the chapel and knelt down to pray. Actually I did not know what it is to receive the Holy Spirit or speaking in tongue in prayers since no one came to explain it to me. I simply thought that I want to find that God; the God I met at age 18.
I want to feel Him hugging me. I want to listen to Him speaking to me. I want to have that intimate relationship with Him. I ran to the front and knelt down to pray. I kept praying for Him to quickly come, quickly come, come here. Jesus really came. He stood right in front of me, stood very tall. My eyes are shut, but I can feel His presence and that His head reached to the ceiling. He looked down at me. I was dumbfounded and uncertain. He looked down at me and does not touch me. I kept telling God to please come inside, please come quickly inside.
Lord Jesus told me, “I am not going in.” At that moment, in the front of the chapel, my tears burst out and poured down my face.
I respond to Him, “How can you reject me? I searched You for 12 years. How can you reject me?”
At that time, I was very angry and responded to Him, “How it is that You can reject me?”
Then Jesus told me that because you are not remiss of your sins. When I heard His remark, I suffered even more. I told Him that I repented already, what do you want me to do so that you will remiss my sins. Please tell me. Jesus did not tell me. He just kept looking at me till the end of prayer. I kept praying and crying. Prayed and cried throughout the whole prayer. Jesus did not respond to me. I felt no strength in my body at the end of the prayer. I returned to my seat feeling lifeless. In my heart, I thought about what is it that I would need to do so that Jesus will remiss my sins.
At this time, God moved a group of brothers, sisters, and truth seekers to study the Bible in front of me. They sat close enough where I can hear their conversations, questions and answers. The more I hear, the more joyful I became. It was as if it’s a class. All the questions I had from attending other churches and was answered. What’s even more wonderful is that the answers are so simple. One truth seeker would ask and another brother would flip the bible to share and read the verse. That was it. So simple. Then a lady who came to truth seek asked a question about why we need to get baptized. This subject of baptism was the main reason why I withdrew from all the churches. When she asked this question my ears were opened. A brother flipped to Acts 2:38.
38 Then Peter said to them, “Repent, and let every one of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.
After he read this, that was it. Baptism of repentance and the remission of sins. Through baptism we are remiss of our sins. I was so joyful when I heard this. I was really joyful. I now know how God will forgive me. However, I did not know that this time happen to be the Spiritual Convocation. When I came the sister did not tell me about Spiritual Convocation. I thought the services are regular services.
My face is very disturbing and no one dare to approach me so I did not know there’s baptism on Sabbath. I was just delighted in my own heart in knowing that finally I know how God will accept my repentance through baptism. It happened that this brother who turned to the verse in the Bible came over to me from his seat. This brother does not know me and I never spoke to him before. He turned to Acts 22:16. He flipped to the verse and told me to read. I obediently read.
16 And now why are you waiting? Arise and be baptized, and wash away your sins, calling on the name of the Lord.’. (Acts 22:16)
After I read, I jumped up and said I want to get baptized. At this moment, everyone was shocked. What? You want to get baptized? This was the second time I came to church. Everyone was really surprised how I suddenly made this comment, but since I said I wanted to get baptized I filled out the baptism application. Of course the council members held meetings and I got called in my by the pastor.
The pastors say, “Lady, none of us know you. Why do you want to get baptize?”
I then shared my 12 years of experience with the Pastor, and told him that I must get baptized. No matter what I must get baptized. When the Pastor heard this, he said that since the Holy Spirit single handily brought you to church, I can submit and baptize you. This was how I was able to smoothly receive baptism. When the pastor said this, the council members split into two parties. One party said, “This baptism is not to take place since we do not know where she’s from.” Then another would say, “The Holy Spirit brought her to us so we can baptize her.”
Miraculously, after I completed the baptism application and return home to pray I joyfully reported to God. I am going to get baptized so you must forgive me of my sins. When I prayed, I felt a hand placing a warm substance into my tummy that spread throughout my body. I grew so warm that I started to sweat and started to cry. Then this warm circulation became a rhythm and I started to hum a song. I was thinking how can I hum such a beautiful song. After I finish humming, I started to speak in tongue. However, at this time I did not know that I received the Holy Spirit. On Thursday I submitted my baptism application and was called in on Friday to be examined.
At this time I didn’t know that I received the Holy Spirit, till the evening prayer I went to the front and prayed. The Pastor said, “Hsu Guo Yu, you received the Holy Spirit.” It is because everyone heard that I received the Holy Spirit, the council members unanimously agree to proceed with the baptism. This is a wonderful grace from Jesus Christ. One of the sisters who knows me well now told me that she would’ve stood her ground in opposing to proceed with the baptism. She said that she really didn’t know who I was and could not have a peaceful heart to pass the examination.
It was because the Pastor said on Friday that I received the Holy Spirit when she became at ease. Ok, so let this matter be taken to God so to baptize this sister. When I got baptized that day, it was a miracle. Because of my depression, I had an illness which was caused by my mental instability. I had an intestinal illness. The pain would reach to the point that I cannot get out of bed. Periodically I eat pain killers, because of my intestinal illness I need to refrain from eating a variety of food. No coffee, tea, milk, juice. I cannot have fruit nor salad. What can I eat? I couldn’t have many things. When I came back to Taiwan to get baptized I am 43 kg. Now I am 50kgs. What a big difference now. My face is very pale. I could not have oranges and am lacking in Vitamin C. I had a sick face and I was sick every day. Sick when others are sick and sick when others got better.
When I got baptized, I walked into the water. This was a morning in the fall season. The water was cool, but God had mercy on me. He knew that I get sick often. When I step into the water I felt this thin protective film about 0.1 mm wrapped around me as I stepped deeper into the water. When I completely immersed in the water, I was completely enclosed in this thin film. Because of this thin protective film, I felt very warm despite the cold water. When I got to the shore, when the wind blew I did not feel cold though I was wet. I actually felt warm. Though I felt rather strange that why am I warm I also felt another wonderful thing.
After I received the Holy Spirit, I begged Jesus for another thing. I begged him that when I left the country at age 23 I was an innocent, naïve girl not knowing the sorrows of life. When I returned to Taiwan at age 30, I felt like an old woman filled with many wound. I felt so old and tired. I told Jesus if it’s possible to revert time and make me feel as if I was 23. What makes us feel old is the feeling inside. Certain things that are carved into our hearts leave wounds that cannot be healed. That’s the feeling of old. Physical aging is minimal in comparison to the real feeling of old that are produced from experiences.
That means when we are at age 40 we cannot return to age 30 or 20. Yet, at that moment, I requested for God to revert time so I can return to age 23. I stepped onto shore and really felt that the time reverted to age 23 and actually even back to the time when I was born. Why do I say that it feels as if the time of birth? I felt renewed with no spots and wounds. No burden. I felt so light. God reverted time. He let my spirit return to when I was born. God gave me a completely new spirit. When I went to change clothes at my tent, I noticed that the knot in my stomach, the knot that was there for 5 years suddenly detangled. I felt no pain. The place that was stuck was no longer stuck. The stones I once felt rolling in my stomach are no longer there. I know that God healed my intestinal problem.
After baptism, when I partook in the love meal at church what the doctor’s before told me to not eat certain food, I ate them all. There was no problem and it’s been 5 years. My stomach suddenly got healed. The 5 years that I had depression I have not had a good night’s rest. However, that night when I laid down I slept through the night when my head hit the pillow. When I woke up the next morning, it certainly was different than waking up in the days when I had depression. When you wake up from depression, it is very sad. You’d think about what am I going to do today? Why am I alive? Why don’t I die? Why am I waking up? What is the purpose to brush my teeth? Why am I going to school? There is no purpose in doing anything. That’s the lifestyle of depression.
Having depression the moment you open your eye it is a blue world. You’d think that why was there no bomb to explode on my yesterday. If the bomb lands and explode up my house with me included than that’s best. Because you want to die, but are afraid to die that’s why you’d think it’d be best if a bomb comes and explodes on your house. This never can happen. How can there be a bomb. This is just a very unhealthy depressing state of mind. The next day after I baptized, the first thought that crossed my mind was wow so joyful a new day. Such a wonderful day. It actually is a wonderful day. What am I to have for breakfast? I am so happy. What am I to wear today? I am so happy. Everything is good.
Jesus Christ gave me a new spirit, a new heart, a new mind. I am a completely new person. The person now is completely a different person of who I was before. The person before baptism aside from pride is I live for myself. I only thought about myself. It’s not selfishness, but I was very egotistical. I would only think about what it is I want to do. I would not be considerate about other people nor worry about others. I wouldn’t think if what I do is good for others or not. As long as I am good then everything is good. As long as I can take care of myself then that is good. As long as I don’t need to bother others then I am good.
When Jesus gave me a completely new person, new heart, new mind, new spirit. I actually think every day about how to help others the things I do if it is good for others or not. This is a completely new and different life. During this time, the deepest matter that I experience is that in reality my life, my knowledge, and so called talent in art are given from God. In reality, God delighted that we have these gifts too. This is why many are smart and have wisdom. As long as men pursue and apply their knowledge then there is nothing that they cannot accomplish. They can make strange things to get them in the air and down to earth. These are all gifts from God. If God willing we can do these things.
However, there are three things that are not within the controls of men and they are peace, health, and joy.
- We can put a lot of effort into a family, but that does not guarantee that there’ll be peace.
- We can be successful in our career, but that does not guarantee happiness.
- We can have a load of material wealth, big homes, outer appearance but that does not mean we can have our health.
So peace, health and joy are not something we can obtain with our hands. Bible tells us so. This originates from Him. Without Him, we humans are not connected to the source. Once disconnected from the source then there is no way we can have peace, health and joy. This is the most important lesson I learned through my lifelong experience during this time. I learned that even if you are baptize, do this or do that, if you leave God then there is nothing you can do.
Up till now I see that many church members, some receive great blessings and miracles in coming to believe in Him, others were baptized when they were babies and grew up in church under God’s protection. Yet, in our society now there are a lot of temptations, many competitions and severe pressures. Even those who know God and members who are long time believers, facing the societies nowadays would at times also forget to come before Jesus Christ to beg. Sometimes believers would just rely on their own efforts and strength to achieve and accomplish something and become someone. However, really it is what is written in the Bible. The origin of all things and the gifts of everything come from God.
This is my sharing. Once we received God’s blessing and experience God’s grace and understood the truth then we must abide and hold dearly to these things in God’s love. I come to tell myself that from age 23 to 30 I lived a life without God. I know there is a God, but I lived a life without God. Life without God is dark life. Apart from God there is nothing you can do. My testimony concludes here. May all the glory, praise, and honor be unto the true God in heaven. Amen.